George Carlin 1937-2008
Photo from atgoztugu.com
(My humble homage to the ineffable George Carlin).
After much thoughtful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that the most versatile word in the English language is “shit.” That’s right, shit! Not only is it versatile, but whenever you use it, nobody will ever misunderstand you. Just think about it.
You can buy shit, sell shit, own shit, borrow shit, steal shit, store shit, lose shit, find shit, and forget shit. You can even study some shit in school. You can see stuff that looks like shit, listen to stuff that sounds like shit, or just feel like shit. Some stuff smells like shit, unless it’s your own because your shit doesn’t stink. Some stuff tastes like shit, especially if you order shit-on-a-shingle, after which you can wear a shit-eating grin on your face. And if people don’t like your grin, you can tell them to go eat shit.
Some people really know their shit, while others can’t tell shit from Shinola (you have to be old as shit to remember what that is). There are useless shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. You can be full of shit, even full of bullshit or horseshit. You can sling the shit, but you’d better duck when the shit hits the fan. You can smoke really good shit, or really bad shit, but either way you’ll get high as shit, unless you’re one of those people who are lower than dog shit. If you’re an accomplished musician you can really play some shit, but if you’re not, you probably can’t play for shit. You can give people a lot of shit, or get your shit handed to you.
There are those who think they’re big shit, but everyone else usually thinks they’re just little turds. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. There is fancy shit and just plain shit. You can talk shit, or shoot the shit. You can drive a piece of shit, or find yourself up shit’s creek without a paddle. You can get drunk as shit, or get just plain shit-faced, but either way you’ll probably catch a load of shit when you get home. Maybe you have piles of shit in your garage.
You can give a shit about everything, or not give a shit about anything. Some people get shit-canned, and have to watch their career go down the shitter. You may worry if you find you’re in deep shit, or you may be as happy as a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. You can look like shit, be ugly as shit, or be built like a brick shithouse. You may find yourself up to your neck in shit, or you can shovel the shit against the tide. There are shitty politicians, usually those who promise lots of shit.
Sometimes whatever you touch seems to turn to shit, or you might fall in a bucket of shit but come out smelling like a rose. You can be a lucky shit, especially if you’ve stepped in shit. Maybe you earn chicken-shit while working yourself shitless for a boss who’s a shit-head. You can be sick as shit, but don’t miss work on the day that the eagle shits. You might know someone who’s nothing but a sack of shit, which is just another way of saying they’re a worthless shit. You can ponder great mysteries like does a bear shit in the woods, or do movie stars ever shit at all.
There is holy shit, but there is wicked shit, too. There are stores that sell cool shit, and people who think of themselves as hot shit. You can let people shit all over you, or you can kick the shit out of them. It may be okay to shit where you work, but you should never shit where you eat. You can know lots of shit and be smart as shit, in which case you probably have all your shit together. But you don’t want to know too much stupid shit. You can fix broken shit, or you can throw away your old shit and get some new shit. You can be brave as shit, or be scared shitless. You and your friends can pile on into the pickup and go out to have a shit-kicking good time. You can hurry up to shit, shower and shave, but some impatient somebody is still bound to tell you to shit or get off the pot.
One thing you just cannot do is live without the word shit because, no matter who you are or what you do, shit always happens.